to write it out

i have to write
i have to write about certain things before they keep coming up
in unpredictable and sabotaging ways
my whole being is affected
my soul is still damaged
i will mend these tears and rips to my psyche

then i will be able perhaps to transcend the dilemma
of unwanted past trauma or hurtful experiences

i need to put it forth that i think i hold no ill will to
these transgressors... who knows but the illumined ?
the source of life and universes
that we humans sometimes choose to call god

i hide certain truths from myself...
these are secrets i keep from me
i intend to unlock a lot of pain and release it
this blog is for me alone, just now

in time perhaps others will be
allowed or "let in" through cracked window pane

this cabin i sweep is rustic...
this blade i carry, needs honing
this girl is torn, her heart lies bleeding
onto paper or screen, p'haps for deboning
heart will lay to be shorn

the music of life be the background sound
a fly buzz by, a leaf-blower
a wind...birdsong, a neighbors call a cats meow
or play i some music, it will be intended to heal
as i journey in and bring out

as I carry forth this dread-head soul for
examining and demolition for the rebuild

there will be laughter but perhaps tears far more
there will be forgiving and hating and sadness to score
there will be rivals, suitors, swimmers, and kin
believe me there will be a great many men

pain is here...so let me be getting on now
my heart is aching 'til it feels it may burst