worst day

when i was six the worst day in the whole wide world came upon me
it came because my mom married outside of family,
it happened that it has taken me a part of a lifetime to begin to understand
the nuances...when i began to really discuss what had happened to my psyche and body

i began to swear a lot, i had always heard it
on television and in movies, and some family cussed a bit
even my mama would cuss right out loud in the proper company
and everyone seemed to enjoy the 'sort of' power of it all

John Wayne even cussed up a storm, and he was well respected
i didn't think Jerry Lewis cussed, but just knew that Dean Martin did

me
i cussed about how Euell shouldn't have touched me just there
i swore to my brother who was my best friend and confidant
he deserved to be hurt somehow, he ought to be punished
these wants probably produced a lot of quilt in a girl like me
i considered Jesus a right GREAT man, a Son of GOD
I was trying to learn all i could about Christ, and to be like him as
we were taught would be best

we stole away with cigarettes from mamaw & papaws bread box
i don't think that we worried much about being caught, they had several cartons at any given time...
how were they gonna miss a few smokes every now and then?

the silver stainless metal breadbox they kept them in
the one with the black label that said "Bread" written in pale yellow I think
the one by the bathroom, the yellow that sort of matched the bathroom
in the small home we knew as long as we lived on this earth
the bathroom with the yellow & black linoleum about half-way up the walls

and where later on I would give lessons on how to apply make-up
and do little commercials in the mirror, and where I would practice
my voice, with toned inflections, intonations, imitations,
and such, in case I were to become an actress at any point

where even later i would slip my self, my bottom way down low
in the bath, to gt it right up close to the bottom edge of the tub
right below the spigot, so that the pulsing water would scream
into my vagina, and pursue my clitoris, making me feel so so good,
the bathtub where, I would reach for orgasms, like other children my age
reached for chewing gum, or cards, or a game to play with from atop a shelf

i was swearing up a storm one day and trying to figure things all out
with my brother there by my side, taking my side, he was helping me work it through
he was benevolent and wise, and nearly nine I suppose...way older than my mere
six and a half...he had a couple of years of life experience on me and he saw fit
to tell me all about it as i recall...he had as much to say as i did and maybe more
we were Pissed OFF.

We swore up a storm and fake smoked our cigarettes
barely if inhaling into the lungs, one by one, sharing them a puff at a time...
wishing we could inhale like grown ups, Hell,
our talk was so grown up, with its grown up problems
of whats allowed in sexuality, of wrongness and rightness

oh boy were we on our way...to a dysfunctional adult life
full of rights and wrongs the black and white of righteous indignation
oh hell yes we were...might i say we have arrived
now and  hopefully i may be turning a new bend in the road

 i sure hope I don't crash