anyway...(cont.)

 

i etched the above about myself, in honor of  Albrecht Durer whose art i (sometimes) very much admire

anyway...i 'don't rightly know how' to edit a post here once i have clicked on draft...maybe that was a mistake, but it wouldn't be the biggest one, not like the 'biggys' you will be reading about herein, whilst i tell about myself and on myself,  until I'm done or while i can, or whichever happens to come first...until i feel it in my back to come back to this chair, i guess that's about enough for one morning, into past lunchtime. ill be sure to ruminate (on the fateful day in question) while I'm away, and try and remember a few details

Later that evening:

Well I carried the Bible out from the house, and I settled myself on the grass and looked in. I read through some of Jesus teachings outlined in red...and i began to say a deep and heartfelt prayer. It included my wish to become a vessel for the Lord, and an "instrument of thy peace" I instructed the Great Spirit that i would like to be a person who was worthy of honor, that i be allowed to have Him work through me, that He indwell my soul with His unwavering love, that also that I would like to understand EVERYTHING, leaving no stone unturned in my ability to comprehend all that He would have me know...with all the heart I could muster on that special day of my life. I remember that I closed with this complex and sometimes unfathomable request to my Savior Jesus, and Our Father God.

The whole event probably took about fifteen or twenty minutes but, let me tell you it has been the touchstone of my life through many a course. Even tonight I still find myself a bit impressed with my little self, and think that it is pretty incredible that a six year old could even comprehend the various feelings that I felt on that day, and I have since wondered how I came to be so mature, at such an early time in the life of  a child...for I meant every word and with everything I had in me, I wanted it so much, to live in God's incredible service to life and humankind. I have also since, began to regret at times that last solemn request. For I have been through many trials, some might call it perdition, and I have faced demons galore, and been tortured aplenty,  perhaps much more than an average lifetime should be able to bear, and most of it can probably be attributed to the honor I called upon myself to feel, and from a well of need deep within, that needed to drink from the knowledge of the Source of Universal Life.

That wellspring of incomprehensible need, that fount of desire was very probably an outcome of the horrible truths i was already learning about life. From confusion, and frustration, from lack of ability in me to comprehend how a God so resourceful could allow that i be lead down a jagged road, where i would falter in my Love for man...and perhaps in my Faith that I had previously thought could not be torn asunder, having been securely laid in...by what I had learned about how to live and love by my own heart, by teachers, preachers, ministers, kin and friends, along with what I was being fed though watching the news, television shows, comedy hours, musicals, game shows, movies, listening to records and radio almost daily, in a mystical time, we have nostalgically termed "the sixties". I was six in the year 1968...and the world was afire with Change.

My desire to eventually come to some semblance of balance was probably secretly spoken, along with other things that are only for my own spirit to hold on to. That truth that I showed to contain, that I wanted to be unique among men, in my internal quest to seek the flame of truth in circumstances, was probably an outcry for help as well, from a child who had recently been sexually molested by her moms new husband, and nearly by that mans father...it leads a girl to have, well, perhaps a larger need than most folks to simply want to understand everything.

 I have lived to experience much,  although not much of it was anywhere near the grandiose and yet humble self-inflicted challange, that I laid out for myself at the self-same moment that I prayed that day. I have come to believe that I did not do that simple act of giving mself over to the care of the God, without my own real reasonable need to be close to the thing that supposedly created me for some REASON...and wanted me to do something very special with ths golden life...yet didn't feel a need to protect me from maniacs who mess with little children, wrecking thier former station of comfort and care, and making them wonder at what this God might have me do, seemed that He wanted me to give myself over fully, and if that is what it took to get some protection from him, well I was damn sure willing and able.

What that time meant to me and what it truly resembles have come to be two different things...but at that point in time, at least of my own record, I was at my very best, most hopeful place, and reaching up to the Brightest Star in Heaven, with an unshakable Trust I may have not felt so utterly completely, ever since.






The world is so dreadfully managed one hardly knows to whom to complain.
Ronald Firbank