"There was no trace of resignation in her voice when she said, The Calling is not for everyone."
wonderful art By Cori Dantini
The calling comes upon people in very different ways, and mine appered to be to be to find myself once I was made fairly confused about the way life was going to be treating me. I think that perhaps certain circumstances in our lives provide us with the tools or perhaps just with needs that must be met, and that may be "a callng" to act in a particular way as well. Being brought up in the Southern U.S, and in whats known (by most who know America) as the "Bible Belt" region, has led many a poor soul (who would have been very different if raised in other places) to believe 'they had a calling to share Gods word' when that wasn't very suitable to their basic personality. We can all probably think of a few sad examples...television evangelism comes to mind, and the way that, just like in politics, a man or woman may be corrupted by seeking mana of less than a truly spiritual nature, when thrown into the world of adoration and mass hysteria, on a level not many would be able to handle with complete grace. Like in the political arena, I feel that many take up such a position with fully wholesome intent, but rarely do they, once placed under scrutiny, come out smelling like a rose. Let me just say that we all have our crosses to bear, and some crosses are heavy, while others take flight.
When I was arond elevin months old my parents deciphered that something was not right when I began to scream and writh in apparent pain, my back bending backwards, and for no obvious reason one day. They rushed me to the pediatrician, who had them get me to the hospital, where they were eventually told that it appeared I had a case of spinal meningitus. This disease is fairly serious in it's scope, and all my early life the story was told that there were three basic outcomes to be had once this illness be discovered. One, that I would fully recover, with hardly any ill effects. Two, that I might become "retarded" if they could not repair things well enough. Three, that spinal menigitus of that type could honestly, eventually end in my death.
Now I have known myself to be a very lucky person, possibly because of this first outcome and of course also, oweing to many other things that has since occured I have considered that I am extremely fortunate at times. But when I say or think very lucky, I will never mean that it has all been good, I appear to be both blessed and cursed, for the amount of unpredictable horrible luck i have also known, has made sure to keep me humble as a little field mouse...when i am not busy being ostintacious, that is.
Yes, seems certain that some of us, seem to be balanced (or perhaps unbalanced is more correct a term) in such a way, as to have a real good serving of both kinds of luck. The weighing out of said LUCK seems to fall on a power so supernatural as to almost force one to believe in God or at least in some sort of predestination...to believe in karma or astrology is acceptable to many of us also, and to add a smithering of back-woods folklore never hurts a guy or gal, neither. So Tennessee is a 'right good' place to get your first big doses of luck, good or bad, and all the things that I have come to believe and place faith in, have a definate jumping off point in the South, and thats wholly appropriate to whom I have blossomed into.
Well my early calling in life was a bit unbalanced, and i like to recall my first memories at times when I have nothing better to do, and sometimes i will share them with folks...so as never to forget who I was early on.
I like to remember how, (its more of a feeling sense memory this) I used to be awakened to be dressed in the wee hours of morning, (this must have happened daily, very many times over) I recall a feeling of being almost swaddled, of being carried outside in the darkness, some snow crunching underfoot, and the smell of snow, I remember the quiet darkness, and cold, and that being held close and that smushing crunchy sound of my parents steps through snow...being cared for and carried. I suppose that mom was getting us up to drive my dad off to work so she could bring the car home for errands and such, and that rythym of being swaddled, being held and carried, that smell of delicious clean snow, the ozone of clean morning air...that sometimes the cold air would hit my face and shock me a bit...the warm car...dozing off to sleep again to the soft rumble of the cars engine...this is my first truly memorable state. When i think of it, it puts me almost into a meditative state. It was heaven,
My second true fiercely recalled memory was when, at around two, mom & dad were argueing. There was a ruckous in the livingroom...glass was breaking. I recall very distinctly the vases we had, not the colors so much, but the height of them and spindly uneven quality of thier shapes. I believe one may have had a mostly golden hue and the top fell into clear glass, and the other one, maybe green. They were tall and one or both had curly edges...they were what we now call murano glass and may have been real murano but may have been an imitation, they were probably wedding gifts. Perhaps the height of me, makes me recall them taller than they were. Perhaps I have seen them in pictures growing up to help lay in or increase the memory of them.One was I believe about two, two & a half feet tall, the other about three, to my thinking, more like decorations they were, too tall really for a suitable vase.
Perhaps those vases symbolise the marriage, the order being to tall...the decorative aspect, there it was, a marriage born of love but based on responsible behavior after a mistake has been made...all for show. The symbolic breaking of that glass, that shattering... I will probably never be able to forget, it scared me "right outta my skin", and I found that all in a instant I was floating...I do not know how I arrived at it, but all of a sudden I was just floating. I was up near the ceiling of the hallway. I wasn't afriad for my self, and seemed to understand inherantly that it was okay. Also, to get thatIi had a much better viewpoint from up there, to see what was going on (with my mommy and daddy) i peered around the corner but can't make out in my memory if i was able to see anything much. I do remember looking down then, to myself with my brother, in footsy pajamas...i seemed much older than two, maybe the memory has been twisted or embellished by my mind a bit over time...i seemed at least three, but there we were, my big brother and I...standing at our bedroom doorway, looking toward the sounds of fighting, probably quaking in our proverbial boots, about what was about to happen, when our parents soon divorced.
I believe that the memory is a beautiful things when it works properly and I cannot remember the pain of having had spinal meningitus but of courseIi have a theory, or rather a hypothesis of paranormal proportions, and parallel reality type summation. I believe that I may have had a near death experience, when I had meningitus of the spine. I believe that it may have "set something off" if that event may have occurred, and caused me to leave my body that night... that the one event, may have led to the other, and if that is what happened, I wouldn't be surprized.
All I know is that, that is my first memory that isn't just sensed, (though it was also partly senced), in that it is connected to a feeling of floating, yet it also contained knowledge of that time and a knowing of what I had thought about while this was happening to me...well it's all very curious!
I think that, that event may have charged me up, in a sense, to know that I could do such things, to understand that people could do such things without even trying, was very exciting to me, and I beliee that whole event (and the memory of it) left me very open to some very exciting supernatural events to come ...because once a body has learned abouts its ability to move about, it isn't likely to easily forget how a soul may come and go.
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